MeN aRe FrOm MaRs, WoMeN aRe FrOm VeNuS...

Got this from my bao bei... Enjoy...... =)

The Bank wishes to inform all its clients that we are installing new "Drive-thru" ATM machines, where you will be able to withdraw money without leaving your vehicle. Please follow the instructions that apply to you:

For our MALE customers:
1. Drive up to the ATM machine
2. Open your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive off

For our FEMALE customers:
1. Drive up to ATM machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with machine
3. Restart stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM machine, due to its excessive distance from car 9. Insert card
10. After "Invalid card" is displayed, remove the David Jones or Myer card, and insert correct ATM card
11. Remove ATM card
12. Re-insert card right way up
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
14. Enter PIN
15. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN
16. Enter amount of cash required
17. Check make-up in rearview mirror
18. Retrieve card
19. Empty handbag again to locate card holder and place card inside
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book
21. Re-check make-up
22. Drive forward 2 metres
23. Reverse back to ATM machine
24. Retrieve cash
25. Re-empty handbag, locate purse and place cash inside
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off
27. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres
28. Release handbrake


Haha... Is our fairer sex really that bad with wheels?? =)

aLoNe In A hOteL......

Got this through an email from my fren...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls that you see advertised in phone booths when you are calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself, Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs that seems to go on forever, you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figured, "What the hell~!!, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says. God~!! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'll like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait! I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone, and what I really want is SEX. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want, baby~! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line, you need to press '9'".


Moral of the story: Dun be too anxious to dial the number... Read the instructions on the phone carefully first!!

TiReD Of HoW yOu OrDeR yOUr PiZzA??

Got this from the talking cock website... www.talkingcock.com Have a good laugh... =)

Sian of just dialing, waiting and paying? Here are some innovative (OK, OK, wu liao) ways of ordering pizza…

1. Ask them if you can keep the box. When they say yes, break into tears and go, “Thank you! Thank you so much! God bless you!” etc.

2. Ask them to make sure your pizza is really dead – not like the last time like that.

3. Ask them to confirm exactly how many dolphins had to be killed in order to make your pizza.

4. When they repeat your order back to you, change it slightly. Do this three or four times.

5. Ask them if they have one inch pizzas.

6. Ask them acherly, hor, how come they measure their pizzas in inches and not centimetres, ha?

7. When they ask, “Will that be all?”, reply angrily: “Why, not satisfied, ah? I order so little so you see me no up, is it? Neh’mine! Steady! Later I call my brother all come to your shop and settle!”

8. Ask what the order taker is wearing, and when he or she answers, go, “Mmmm.”

9. Ask them to arrange the pepperoni in the shape of Hello Kitty.

10. In sign language. Over the phone.

11. Tell the order taker to speak very softly, because the “Men in White” are tapping your line.

12. Ask them to hold on, then shout in a child’s voice, “Mummy, can borrow me fifty loller buy pizza?”

13. Pretend the pizza hotline is the NKF donation line, and ask the pizza guy to do ridiculous and unhealthy stunts before you hand over your money.

The 8 White Elephants that caused a stir...

Definition: 'White elephant' is a term used to label something that is expensive and useless...

During a ministerial walkabout at a constituency some time last month, 8 cute looking (It's really cute if you've seen them) white elephant placards were placed on a road divider outside Buangkok MRT station... Apparently, some unidentified people had intentionally placed them there, to gain the attention of the MP, to raise their concerns over the ready-made-but-can't-be-used-station... The issue was that the station has been ready-made 2 years ago, but has not been open to public use, as the transport company in control of the station felt that there isn't enough passenger volume to make the station financially viable... Residents living near the station had to alight either 1 stop earlier or after, and walk home, making it inconvenient for them... Who in the right frame of mind would want to go the long way when there is a station so near to them? And worse still, having the non-functioning station stare at you when you're going through the long way... "Enough is enough..." That lead to the residents making some 'noise'......

And they did it in a tongue-in-cheek way... Or at else from how I see it... White elephants, meaning to describe the station, were placed along the divider to gain some attention from the MP... Isn't it a creative way, to show how you feel about the issue? Even the MP himself was amused by it and vowed to give the residents concerned an answer soon... The next day, the Transport Minister himself appeared amused too, and said that he would get the authorities and transport company to make another asessment and an answer would be revealed in a month or two...

But, the cute elephants somehow did not seem to amuse all... The police are acting on a call of complaint with regards to the incident... Investigations were soon carried out and a couple of people were called back for questioning...

On the surface, from what I see, there isn't anything that the 'elephants' could have broken any laws... If there are supposed to be any, it could be that the elephants are in the nude, showing their bon-bon and smiling, cheekily, if you insist so... But what is so wrong about it?? Why must the police be called in to investigate? On something so trivial as to juz gaining attention, in a light-hearted, creative and innovative way... I was amused by how creative the residents were... But I'm even more amused at how the police and relevant authorities reacted...

Moral of the story: Point taken, but along comes many issues...

The million dollar question was: Who's the one whom made the complaint??

Looking at the case, it doesn't take long for us to point the finger at the most suspicious party...

But the transport company was quick to reply: "It wasn't us."

Then who could it be?? Could it be someone from the animal rights group whom were concerned that animals were being harmed in the process of displaying these placards??

Then the reason why the police reacted was because a call of complaint was made, and apparently the person involved in placing the placards did not apply for a permit to display in public... So now the ball is in the court of the police... Would the authorities drop the investigation and charges, if any, on the poor residents being investigated?? The residents were juz trying to raise a concern to the MP, after countless of meetings proved ineffective in solving the station issue... It is juz a creative manner to raise the issue, using creativity... And the other, providing feedback to the government and authorities... Isn't this what we are always asked to do?? Feedback and creativity?? If the relevant people were being charged for these, it would kill all the campaigns that the government had been always rallying us to do... Literally, killing two birds with one stone... So now, the show is up to how the police would respond to this issue...

The transport company argued that the reason why the station remains closed was because there wasn't enough passenger volume around the station to make it financially viable to open the station... I once read an article on The Straits Times Forum Page, where one reader wrote in... "If passenger volume is the reason why the station is closed, why then, is the Marina Bay station, serving only park goers and people to the recreation centre at marina south, open despite low passenger volume?" Secondly, there seems to be an increase in the resident population dwelling around the station, but why is there still a long delay in the opening of the station? Would the relevant authorities please stand up?

Let's juz wait and see what the 'elephants' can do...

A duty that i will miss doing...

**Note: Information below is meant to be for reading ONLY.**

Waking up on tuesday morning at 11am was shiok... (How many of you guys get to do it like me? Jealous aren't you??) I was thinking: "I've got another beautiful day before booking in tonite, and I can do some blogging..."

Then came the dreaded call...

Officer: "Can you book in at 4pm today, then take over the duty today?"
Me: "Huh? But my eye still red leh?" (Trying to keng with my MC covering until that nite)
Officer: "You go and consider about it first, then let me noe again... Coz if you dun do, then the poor guy will be doing 4 nights straight in a row..."

As I'm still new in the company and dun wan to be 'marked' by them in future, I agreed, knowing that MC is wasted...

Me: "Ok lor... Then I'll book in at 4..."

So there I am, after 6 straight days of staying away from camp... I was so reluctant to go back.. And I was only given like 4 to 5 hours of notice in advance, throwing aside all my beautiful plans for the day... Sucks...

I was tasked to do a Protection of Installation (POI) duty at a particular fuel refinery plant in the west from 6th Sept to 8 Sept... (The name of the plant is kept secret to you so as to protect the plant... It's a national security issue... I'm a man in green you know...)

Upon reaching the plant, I had to start work immediately, at a lost with the environment and what is expected of me to do...

1600 to 1900 hrs:
Got into a Light Patrol Vehicle(LPV) as a vehicle commander... The LPV is a Nissan pick-up, with a machine gun (MG) mounted at the rear of the vehicle... It allows 3 troopers to be seated at the rear when patroling... Apparently, with the dates drawing closer to the anniversary of Sept 11, there is an increase in the security level... An MG has to be set up at the entrance of the plant during peak hours as a show of force... So for the 3 hours straight, I was juz sitting in the vehicle, together with my driver, looking at cars and, if we're lucky, pretty girls leaving home from work...

2200 to 0600 hrs
I was assigned to the graveyard shift for my first patrolling... Actually as a vehicle commander role, it was rather simple... I had to assign my men to take up various positions surronding the perimeter of the plant, then for every 2 hours, use the vehicle to pick them up and change their positions so that they do not get bored... The positions that the troopers had to take up were observation towers, main gates and 1 trooper mounting on the rear of my vehicle... In between the changing of shifts, I will continue to patrol around in the vehicle... And if we're bored and tired, we will drive to the infamous secret hideout and twang* there... Especially during this shift, we wil tend to go there and catch our uncomforatble and often interrupted beauty sleep...
*Twang: To eat snake...

0700 to 0900 hrs
After 8 hours of shift, I thought that I can finally catch my beauty sleep until my next shift at 1400 hrs... But with the current increase in security, we have to set up our MG post again at the entrance... And during the stint, both the driver and I were sleeping in the vehicle, with the air-con on......

0900 to 1400 hrs
It's my sleeping time finally... Managed to sleep for another 3 hours and some lunch before my shift again at 1400 hrs..

1400 to 2200 hrs
Back to my duty again... Picking my troopers up, dropping them at various locations, patrolling around and twang-ing at our favourite spot...

2200 to 0600 hrs
Beauty sleep... ZZzzz...

0600 to 1400 hrs
Back to my duty again... And finally at 1400 hrs, we handed over to the next platoon to take over the duty and head back to camp...

Looking back, it was actually a fun thing to do... Coz it's a new environment out of camp and we seems to be like in the action at all times... If any suspicious people or vehicle is lurking around, we will be comms by the walkie talkie and our vehicle will be mobilised to go check it out... Besides that, the facilities available for rest and recreation were much better than in camp... Air-conditioned sleeping environment for commanders, large area at the multi-purpose hall as bunks for the troopers, Starbucks chairs and tables for meal times, refrigerator, hot-water flask for cup noodles, 2 29 inch tv with sofa set, dvd players and X-box game sets, and good ration food from SAFTI cookhouse, which serves meals for the officer cadets... The nightsnack provided were heavenly... Chicken pie and never ending flow of cup noodles... Since when were nightsnacks so delicious, compared to the sponge cakes or peanut butter sandwiches that we normally had back in camp? Once having meals, I overheard one fellow saying: "If Gedong (Sungei Gedong) food were as nice..."

I was a bit sad to leave the place, leaving behind my newly made friend - my driver, with whom I talked cock and twang with... I gave him a good handshake, wished him well and bade goodbye to him... Goodbye to my refinery plant too...

A dAtE WiTh DeNiSe KeLLeR......

No lah... It's not going to happen... That was juz an eye catcher for you to come read this entry... *Cheapskate...*

Bao bei and I were at cineleisure to watch 'Bewitched' when we saw her hosting an outdoor event with MTV and Acuvue, the contact lens company... We took a photo with her and bao bei was so excited about it that she can't settle down until for quite some time... So here are some shots that I'll share with you...

So that's me, denise and bao bei...

Where's Howard??

And where's Wolfgang??

Isn't she prettier with dark-coloured hair... Like what we saw on 'Eye for a Guy 2' This picture is taken off the MTV website...

hOt cHiCk!!

After much talk about my bao bei, it's time to bring her out to show you... But before you see the picture, please read the lines below first...

**Warning!! Person seen on picture may not match with the actual person you see in real life!!! Because the actual person is prettier, sexier and hotter!!! Please refrain from touching screen as the hot temperature may burn you... Especially all the chee ko peks out there whom are tempting to do so... If you really can't resist, do it at your own risk!!! You may wan to prepare some tissue paper by your side in case you decide to drool... You are reminded that picture is only for viewing, and NOT to be reproduced in any other way watsoever as picture is subjected to copyright acts and patented trademarks... You do not wan to risk getting yourself in jail for piracy acts, do you??**

Tis is my bao bei... Isn't she HoT??

That's us at Crystal Jade enjoying our icy cold soya bean... Isn't she cute?? hOt cHiCk!!!

Red Eye...

I'm not refering to the thriller 'Red Eye' currently showing at the cinemas, but the red sore eyes that i'm suffering now... It's actually sore eye, without the 's' that began with my left eye... But i think has now passed on to infect my right eye too, showing visible signs of redness...

I've got this disease from my bunk mate in camp... He booked in on monday nite with both eyes sore... terribly red and sore... He said he would go see the MO (Medical Officer, a doctor in the army language), the following day... He was given medical leave subsequently and went home... Sleeping on the bed to his left, I thought that I was safe and healthy enough to not have caught the disease immediately... But on wednesday night, my left eye began to produce lots of 'eye shit' and my left eye vision began to get blur because of that... A check with my fellow bunk mate, which slept on the bed next to my left, said that that was the inital symptoms... Both his eyes were red and swollen, and he had the symptoms as i did earlier in the day... That's it!!! I soon began to realise I had got infected, as my eyes began to produce more eye shit and became red around the retina... I had difficulty getting a good nite sleep that nite... woke up a few times to wipe off the fluids that kept flowing from my eye... The next morning, I had difficulty opening up my left eye, as the fluid that had flowed out from my eye hardened and cause my eyelids to be glue-ed together... And my eye was sore with redness and painful to keep it open...

I went to the medical centre in camp to see the MO... Waited for 45 minutes for the consultaion and 2 hours 15 mins for the medication and medical slip... Can you imagine the pain and emotional torture that I went through? Waiting in pain and wasting time for me to get healed?? The medication prescribed was not what I wanted to wait for... It was the medical slip... The medical slip that enables me to have medical leave and book out of camp, to get better treatment and medicine from my own family doctor... A check with the medic there said that the doctors had gone for a meeting, therefore there was no one to sign the medical slip... Then why would the doctors want to hold a meeting during the morning peak hours when the medical centre had juz opened and flooded with patients? It caused a jam in the service, letting us patients wait in pain when when we are already suffering from some illness... It juz shows how inefficient they are...

I finally reached home at noon, and went to see my family doctor in the afternoon... I didn't bring the medicine that the MO had prescribed, coz I noe I wouldn't take it anyway... Reason being is because the medicines that they prescribed are generally milder, and would take a longer time to recover... My friendly family doctor looked at my eye and says it's quite sore, and continued to ask me what had the MO prescribed... I told him he gave me 2 bottles of eye drops, one called sodium chloride and the other i'm not sure... He then drew an eye drop bottle shape and asked me is it something like this and i said yes...

And then he said, "I hope he didn't give you this", pointing to a blue and white box on his table...

I took a closer look and see what medicine he was refering to......... It was the box that contain the 'blue pill'... The box says... 'Viagra'.........

I quickly said: "NO, no... Definitely not this!!!" I didn't noe my doctor can be so cheeky and humourous...

The MO couldn't have prescribed the viagra, as it was not a place to consume the medicine, what with an almost 100% male population in camp... Why would we need it for?? Not unless for some underground indecent activity between 2 sexually deprived and sexually unachieveable males... Secondly, my bao bei would tell you that I definitely dun need that at the moment, and for some 20 to 30 years in time, as i can still live up to the occassion...

So here I am, confined and isolated in my room, typing this entry... I juz hope that I will recover fast and thus able to go watch a movie with my bao bei this weekend... I miss you bao bei...